Before Alejandro González Iñárritu did Babel (2006) and 21 Grams, (2003) he showed us a style that has become a mainstay in the Best Picture category.  Amores Perros came before Traffic, and four years later Crash took away the glory of his unique style.  Translated, it means “Life’s a Bitch” in Spanish.  It’s a clever double entendre, referencing the horrific events revolving around a car crash, and the dogs that permeate every scene.

Gael García Bernal stars as Octavio, one of three dramatic leads.  Ambitious projects like this are the reason he is one of my favorite under appreciated actors.  Octavio is broke, and caught up vying for the love of his brother’s wife.  Iñárritu presents a complex situation, that begets only more complexity.  It’s in this way that I believe he’s discovered a new look at tragedy.  Before the ensemble drama (Traffic, Babel, Crash) became main stream, he created a web of fate I believe new to cinema.  We take one event or theme, and apply it to many different characters sharing the same setting.  Paul Haggis literally stole the car crash of Amores Perros and fittingly applied it to the isolation of Los Angeles.  I can’t think of a movie before Amores Perros (2000) that accomplished this task.  Please, feel free to correct me if you have an older example.

After the car crash, things slow down dramatically.  Yes this movie is a real drama with real emotion.  If you want the high paced action you saw in the first five minutes, you’ll just have to keep rewinding.

Though slow, there is something very thick in Iñárritu’s camera.  He understands irony.  He takes the beautiful and makes it ugly.  Going so far as to make the wonderful happiness of life sad and disturbing.  “Life’s A Bitch” ends up having multiple meanings when we consider the plight of Octavio’s dog.

For those dog lovers out there, prepare to see many dead ones.  Dogfighting serves as a metaphor for our ill fated lives.  Octavio’s romantic dreams are directly contrasted with the fighting his dog does to make them tangible.  Money, the most evil thing in our universe, becomes his tempting muse.

One of the beautiful things I noticed about the film was the colors.  The setting is Guadalajara, Mexico, a majestic yet crime ridden metropolis.  Iñárritu has clearly read his Othello, because many of the scenes containing jealousy are twinged with green.  Iago’s words started spurning their evil head in my mind and I realized the strangeness of the plot.  Octavio doesn’t like his brother Ramiro, but loves his wife.  Though we empathize with Octavio’s sensibilities and playfulness, he is a helping hand in adultery.  This is precisely the type of complexity that allows Octavio’s character depth.  He’s both good and bad at the same time.  His name starting with an “O” is probably a complete coincidence, but his jealousy and the green film tint are certainly the work of a brilliant director.

My critique of this film is in the pacing.  I love every character for their real portrayal, but became jaded by the expectation of sadness.  Slow moving at times, Iñárritu wants us to feel solitude.  A risky move considering I am part of 5 second attention span generation.

It’s hard to watch movies like this, and that’s why it’s so important.  If we only watch the light hearted, happy ending blockbusters, we lose a part of cinema that questions the human condition.

Oy Vey. The last time Robert De Niro and Al Pacino shared the same film reel was Michael Mann’s Heat. It wasn’t a great movie. Most of the world expected a heavy weight showdown worthy of Ali and Frazier. What we got was De La Hoya post greatness. I can’t believe Righteous Kill was their next meeting. This movie is boring. But what did we expect? The main characters names are Turk (De Niro) Rooster (Pacino) and Spider (50 Cent). Is this a hoe down? Perhaps writer Russell Gewirtz of Inside Man and soon-to-be writ Inside Man 2 was actually hoping for a hit.

Well of course he was, but he was sorely mistaken. Curtis Jackson is actually a decent actor when he is playing himself. In Get Rich or Die Tryin’ I liked and believed his character’s struggle. It wasn’t biographical but it worked, he was a hustler turned rapper. Pacino and De Niro have fallen so sharply they depend on a rap icon to provide a lot of the movies “draw audience”.

The film starts with a voiceover (unless you are American Beauty or Shawshank Redemption, you don’t deserve the V.O.) of De Niro admitting that he killed 14 people. He’s also a cop. Immediately we’re presented with a paradox. The cop as the hunted, not the hunter. Sounds promising right? We are even treated to an interesting title sequence where Scarface and Jake La Motta fire rounds at a shooting range. I dig it. Gewirtz is reminding us how cool these guys are. The rest of the film follows the “fall out” (remember there is a temporal lapse, Turk is admitting he’s killed these people) of the people he murders. He also happens to be a good bad guy (again, uninteresting because he’s not fallible) because he kills people who have raped, killed, and gotten free. Thus far the movie sounds decent, but things take a turn when Al and Bob start acting. I can’t believe I’m typing this but they have no chemistry.

I’m 100% serious when I say the biggest problem of this movie aside from the plot is the chemistry of two Oscar winning greats who have single handedly provided roles any man recognizes as cool. They just don’t work as a duo. Pacino tries his best to back up leading man De Niro, but the Bull can’t play anything but the Bull. He’s a completely inaccessible, under directed actor on screen. I’m not sure who’s fault it is, but characters need to be our link to the world of the movie. Otherwise everything falls flat.

There is a “twist” in this movie that is actually pretty decent. I didn’t see it coming because I was bored out of my mind with exposition and predictable dialogue. John Leguizamo and Donnie Wahlberg make short stints, but provide nothing memorable other than plot devices. They help escalate the chase on De Niro.

Advice? Skip it completely. The only thing this movie can promise you is a lower opinion of two pass their prime actors.

***I realize a lot of this review can be seen as excessively harsh. It’s because I expect GREAT things from both of these men. Al Pacino can STILL act, he’s done so in The Recruit and Any Given Sunday. Hell, De Niro to me was the only believable part of Meet the (Parents) Fockers. He grounded the movie amidst absurd ism. Let’s get these guys real roles, not fleeting memories of who they used to play.

Glad to be back. One of the wonderful perks of going to Sundance is the unveiling of the indies to the large market. From the preview, Bottle Shock looks like a “must-see”. The trailer had high production value, a few laughs and a patriotic subject, US beating the French.
I wanted to like this movie and did. But the first half’s failures made the second half merely bearable. It’s a shame. I can tell you the biggest problem this and many other movies consistantly run into; I don’t feel for the characters.

As charming as the story’s subject is, I don’t identify or feel drawn to any of the heads on screen. We are introduced to too many, then spend too little time waiting for the big judgment.
Alan Rickman plays a snobby Brit (a reach for even his talent) captivated and dedicated to preserving the French “Invincible Vine”. Cut to the Barrett winery. Snuggled deep in wine country Bill Pullman (played the president in Independence Day) is the owner of Chateau Montelena.

Now all of the events this movie is based upon are true. In 1976 “The Judgment of Paris” occurred when a Brit named Steven Spurrier (not the football god) faced Cali vs. The French in a blind taste test. Guess who won. The movie loves to play upon the “trueness” of the events. It becomes too much. We are painstakingly introduced to each judge even though none of the audience will know one French puff from the next. Apparently these people were really there, but who cares! Randall Miller writes and directs well. Then he writes and directs poorly. It is a tale of two movies, and sadly, I don’t feel that the ending redeemed the crappy love story that is inserted into every movie regardless of truth. If it’s about the wine, SHOW US the wine.

Rachael Taylor plays the hottest intern known to man. Seriously, I checked. I can’t imagine this part of the story actually happened, it’s just there to fill up 20 minutes of a plot everyone knows going into the movie. She has a quasi romance with BOTH Freddy Rodriguez and Chris Pine. Apparently she’s the horniest intern known to man as well. I’m at a loss as to why this still works. The “love story” that we’ve seen so many times is with people who are just pretty. It’s not like there is real tension, it’s just make believe right? Why put the rat in the maze? They aren’t endearing, they don’t do anything other than look good on a 50 foot screen. Let’s smarten up, and write some better stories.

Most of the movie I was wearing my newly bought production hat. You see when you attend film school and listen to 3 hour lectures about sound design, you are bound to learn something. I become amazed at production value. There are some gorgeous helicopter shots in this movie that sweep the hills and valleys of Napa. He nails the aesthetics, even the music will make your skin tingle.

Verdict? Wait for video.

Before we get to the shenanigans that formed Tropic Thunder, I’d like to take a second to talk about the state of the blog…again.  In case you hadn’t noticed already, and if you haven’t, shame on you, this is not Jesse.  Hi, I’m Dave, nice to meet all of you.  I’ve been a friend of Jesse (JJ as he’s known to me), since the first day of second grade when he confidently announced that he was glad I was there, because I could be the fat kid in class now.  As for why I am currently introducing myself, its not because I like to take over random blogs; Jesse has decided to leave the blog in my hands while he gets settled in LA.  You might have read my previous guest reviews of Mongol or Revolver, (and if you haven’t, you should…pure gold) but hopefully I can bring my unique voice to all five readers of this blog (Hi Mom, Dad, Bro, Jesse, and Random Guy from Nebraska!)  I plan to give you a review each and every day whenever possible, not only the best new movies, but maybe some you can rush out and rent yourself!  I hope you enjoy my stint here as much as I will, and I look forward to some interesting reviews and comments! On to Tropic Thunder…

If you know nothing else about Tropic Thunder, know that Robert Downey Jr. is in black face the entire movie and you’ll never laugh harder.  Now before you start crucifying me on my first review, go see the movie first, and then come back and tell me it’s not funny.  I’d bet not a single person who actually sees this movie doesn’t come away laughing at the performance, not because he’s in black-face, but because its so delightfully meta.  Downey Jr., an admitted method actor himself, plays a method actor who goes so far into his role that he becomes black even when he knows he’s no longer in the movie.  While it seems difficult to understand at first, watching the movie provides the first mainstreaming of the meta-humor that has become so popular on the indie scene the last few years.  The entire movie riffs on the meta-humor; complete with extra ‘previews’ before the movie for the fake movies of the actors being portrayed in the movie (got all that?).  The nods to Hollywood, and the problems associated with making a movie, are just done so well and seamlessly that the normally highbrow meta-humor is just so easy the entire theater erupts in laughter.

Besides Downey Jr., Ben Stiller and Jack Black round out the big three of the movie (Matthew McConaughey and Tom Cruise make cameos as well, which I wont spoil for you).  You’d think with all that firepower the load wouldn’t rest on Downey Jr., but it does.  In another meta-reference, Black plays a comedian who has been completely typecast into fart joke roles, much as Black himself has been typecast into his own, loud, repetitive character.  Stiller, back in the director’s chair after Zoolander and The Cable Guy, is only mediocre in his role as a washed up action star but excels in getting the most out of the rest of the cast, himself and Black excluded.  Poor execution dooms these two characters, but with Downey Jr. and the rest of the supporting cast providing such strong performances, I didn’t mind it in the least.  I have to say, if you have an extra 10 bucks lying around, you need to go see this movie, if just to say you saw and believed Robert Downey Jr. as a black man.  I look forward to your continued readership and exploring the great and awful movies that are on the horizon!

What was supposed to be a summer of leisure has become an endless amount of tasks pre film school.  One thing I have not done is stop watching movies.  Though the state of the blog might argue with me, I’ve been out and about.  My friend Dave and I went to see Mongol on night when neither of us had much to do.  It turned out to be a great idea.   With his keyboard in the full upright position Dave brings us to the land of Mongolia, to meet the greatest conqueror of all time.

In the heat of the summer, popcorn movies seem to dominate the box-office and movie consciousness. Don’t get me wrong, as we’ve discussed previously in this blog, popcorn movies have their place in the movie cycle, and serve as the revenue generators for the smaller prestige pictures. Howeve it’s sometimes difficult during these summer months to find a film worth spending 10 bucks on when your choices are between Meet Dave and Mamma Mia. Yet, as summer movies go, Mongol bucks the trend in a highly inventive and refreshing way.

Seasoned Russian director Sergei Bodrov helmed and co-wrote this historical epic about the rise of the man would become Genghis Khan. Beginning as a 10-year-old dealing with the realities of his father’s murder, the plot follows Tenmudjin through his abusive childhood, imprisonment, and surprisingly his love and family life. The story itself is a bit laborious at points, clocking in at just over 2 hours, but to expect less from a historical epic is to leave too much out. While the historical epic has been around since the founding of motion pictures, Bodrov creates a new sub-genre, adding a post-modern humanity to the epic. Replacing much the typical two hours of battles and planning, which still exist in all their sword-swinging blood-spurting glory, is the story of a man and his daily trials. As much as I love action, this new take was a far superior story yet still delivered enough gore to play well even in the summer months.

As much as has been made of the story, the real gem in this film was its breathtaking cinematography. It has been a long time since I’ve openly gasped in the movie theater, but I lost count of how many times Bodrov and his cinematographer left me stunned by the immense beauty of the steppe in Mongolia and Kazakhstan (ditto – Jesse). This is just a movie that could not have been shot anywhere else and the landscape was as much a character as any one of the actors. The wide plains of the steppe accurately reveal a part of the mongol psyche in a way that no sound stage or stand-in location ever could. Bodrov’s innovative first-person camera angles help to keep the focus on the individual, but it cannot be understated the experience you will have going to this movie. After doing a little research online afterwards it turns out that Mongol is only part one of three in the life of Genghis Kahn that Bodrov plans to direct, and I eagerly look forward to the next two.

On an unrelated note: In a theater with two other groups of people (at a late night showing no less), this movie was almost ruined by two obtrusive individuals. Their loud constant talking interrupted almost every scene and I just could not get into this movie at times. It took not one, but TWO less than cheerful interactions (orchestrated by me – Jesse) with these folks to have any semblance of quiet in the film (not that they stopped afterwards, they still kept chattering along though at least at a level below normal voices). I have absolutely no patience for this lack of respect to your fellow movie-goers! Its just common sense that you don’t talk in movies, but the proliferation of home theaters and DVDs has caused people to think the movie theaters are their own homes. Teenie boppers text message and talk on their cell phones, others talk and question each plot point. Even my family members are guilty of this at times and I won’t put up with it from them either. Please, as a favor to the rest of us, don’t ruin the movie for everyone else, the rest of us just don’t want to hear it!

- Dave

Additional notes of my (Jesse) own would include the amazing fight sequences we seem to have lost in between Braveheart and Gladiator.  You can keep the flashy CGI of 300.  Give us the blood splattering on the camera, well choreographed swordsmanship, and real gut wrenching tension.  The score is not as memorable as either Braveheart or Gladiator, but rest assured, we won’t be forgetting Mongol anytime soon.

***Broke into the top 10 of 2008***

A good scary movie is becoming harder and harder to find.  The Strangers lived up to my expectations and surpassed them.  A challenging feat considering how hard it is to pull off a really scary flick.  The Orphanage is presented to us by Guillermo Del Toro, Mr. Pan’s Labyrinth himself.  Since his new project Hellboy II is around the corner, I thought I’d highlight some of the other things he’s associated himself with.  But first, my love for scary movies is intense.  Much like a craving for hot wings, I’ll see anything that looks remotely scary (or eat anything that resembles a hot wing).  I like to push my limits, and The Orphanage certainly did that.

Much like my favorite scary movie to date, The Ring, The Orphanage has both a past and a present.  Smoking hot Belén Rueda plays Laura, a one time occupant of the now  defunct  orphanage that she and her husband decided to buy.  Roger Príncep plays Simón, a cute kid with both a malady, and a gift.  He has many imaginary friends that he likes to play games with, and his parents believe this is quite normal until strange things begin to happen…

The movie picks up into a scary sort of mystery (very Ring-esque).  Laura is forced to make increasingly hard decisions that involve her family and her own life.  Director Juan Antonio Bayona has really done his homework on what is creepy.  He uses a few camera techniques to surprise the viewer into fright.  He’s also great and prolonging what he knows is his bread and butter, creepy little orphans.  There are countless scenes where I contemplated shutting off the TV and going to sleep for fear of bad dreams.

Why are kids so creepy?  I’ve given this a bit of thought, and I think it’s because they hold on to a lot of the fantasy world.  A child is prone to believing and making up things that adults pass off as ludicrous.  Also, one child can easily be taken out with a baseball bat.  But imagine if there were many, swarming around you and pulling you to the ground.  Step Brothers makes fun of this in it’s preview, but children have been used for frights for a long time (Children of the Corn!).

What I really like about The Orphanage is the way in which the story unfolds.  It’s not rushed through, ending in a gruesome murder like every “Slasher” film.  Saw is not a scary movie.  It is a GORY movie pretending to scare people by dismemberment.  This is more of an art for Bayona and he makes the orphanage a character.  Behind the scary jolts that are sure to make your heart beat faster, is actually an amazing plot.  It’s not easy to tie together a bunch of otherworldly ideas, so Sergio G Sanchez like many other screenwriters I admire will have his name immortalized in the blogosphere.

Creaking floor boards and encounters from beyond might seem kitchy, but turn your surround sound up and sit back for a twisted ride, it’s worth the price of a rental for sure.

“Pure Unadulterated  Badassery” is how I was warned Wanted would be.  To tell the truth, I wasn’t ready.  This movie is definitely more of a ride than any I’ve seen this summer.  Indiana Jones wishes he was still as cool as Fox (Jolie).  If you come to the theater expecting nothing more than a thrill, I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised, this is actually well written.

OK, so the plot is basically the Matrix part 4.  Hot woman brings man into a world different than his own, where he will sink or swim.  Then add the cool special effects, and you’ve got yourself a movie right?  Director Timur Bekmambetov has a bunch of tricks up his sleeve that may or may not have been taken from the graphic novel.  I have purist friends who don’t even approve of V for Vendetta, a movie I thought no one could dislike.  This sparks an interesting debate to those who are fans of the novels.  Can a movie capture what the pages of a glorified comic can?  Or is it even simpler.  Are we witnessing the great heists of intellectual property, merely signed over to studios for profit?  Whatever the case, Wanted is still pretty fun to watch…

McAvoy’s voice over is one of the few elements of the movie I disliked.  Just like the movie Choke, the Chuck Palahniuk I ceremoniously fell asleep during at Sundance, I found it funny at first, and intrusive later.  McAvoy’s American accent is hilarious, but the voice over becomes unnecessary as the guns do most of the talking.  Indeed, while Angelina receives the male gaze, she doesn’t talk much.  Timur probably thought her eyes were seductive enough (he’s right) and words would fall short.  No matter how commercial Jolie has become, let’s all remember she has an Oscar, and should be treated with respect.

Morgan Freeman can’t seem to get enough of this type of story.  He serves as Batman’s loyal techie, and here he plays an under boss.  The parallels to the Matrix are apparent, but there is a little Gotham in Wanted too.  Last summer they filmed The Dark Knight in Chicago (setting of Wanted), The Fraternity has a lair, and McAvoy does a little training stint reminiscent of Liam Neeson and Christian Bale.  Freeman is also attached to one of the best voice overs of all time, The Shawshank Redemption.

The voice over is a small hang up I have with a really entertaining movie.  I wasn’t thinking about it until after, when I realized it was completely abandoned for a better plot than I expected.  Writers Michael Brandt, Derek Haas, and Chris Morgan made a great screenplay. I do wonder however  how much is theirs, and how much is Mark Millar’s the creator of the comic miniseries.

If you want to see the nude rump of Angelina Jolie, or maybe even a good movie, check out Wanted, a solid time at the movies.

***This was the first movie I saw in LA.  I visited the Arc Light theater on Sunset Boulevard.  I visited with only a recommendation, so I walked in the wrong entrance (naturally) and stood around looking for a ticket vendor.  The place is MASSIVE.  When you walk in the proper entrance, us country folk that are used to multiplexes will notice the difference immediately.  A cafe greats anyone with time to kill or the need for a drink.  Their help desk is called “Guest Services” rather than “Information Desk”.  The lines form beneath the massive movie board, rotating and actually showing which movies are playing in which theater.  This makes all the difference you see because Arc Light has one very famous theater called “The Dome”.  Check specs out here.  So I buy my ticket, and they actually ask me where I want to sit.  This is an assigned seating theater, and I pick out a nice center of the theater seat.  The tickets are printed (custom, like a trip to broadway) and I walk down to my theater.

I’m greeted by no less than 3 ushers, pleasantly smiling and asking if I need assistance (I’m basically looking around in awe) until I arrive at Theater 6.  An usher directs me to my seat and I notice something strange….my feet are on carpet!  The chairs are actually comfortable!  There is an arm rest that has a padded cushion!  And the first row where you usually break your neck looking up?  Has been moved back!  There is not one bad seat in this theater.  In addition my ears hear the soft classical music I’d be accustomed to at the Kennedy Center.  Am I still in a movie theater?  No, this is an art house, committed to preserving the art of film.  An usher makes an announcement before the movie begins (no “20″ or gaudy commercials leading up to the preview) to shut off cell phones, and tries to get us riled up for the movie.  Oh, and once the previews begin?  NO ONE is allowed into the theater.  That’s right, no one is allowed to walk into the theater after the previews begin.  If you have to go to the bathroom you can get back in, but this is a little detail ArcLight has going for it.

If you are ever in LA call me, I’ll take you to the Arc Light.  It’s an amazing place.  My previous favorite theater was E Street Cinema, in Washington D.C.  It’s intimate, and they show the kind of movies I would some day like to make.  Arc Light is much in the same vein as far as commitment, but has a much bigger budget to wow audiences.  I’m going to be very happy at the movies in LA

Seriously, do you?  I’m in LA looking for a roommate/apartment for rent.  Currently pirating a computer from the university I don’t yet attend.  The review for tonight will be a little late since I’m running around like an idiot.  I saw Flawless with Demi Moore and Michael Caine last night and have some pleasent things to report.  For now wish me luck, I hear In-and-Out Burger calling me.

So let’s go.  You Don’t Mess With the Zohan could be this summer’s most successful comedy.  Wall-E and Kung Fu Panda are family flicks, and we haven’t seen  Pineapple Express or Step Brothers so for now, Zohan is proving his weirdly phrased title true, don’t mess with him.

75 Million dollars is a lot of money.  It’s a gamble on behalf of Sony to put a movie about a hairdresser from Israel as it’s leading summer comedy.  But 100 million dollars later, Zohan has done something very few movies do, it made back it’s budget in theatrical release.  Big studios rely on summer “popcorn movies” to finance their more independent and award seeking ventures that take place from Thanksgiving until the Oscars.  Zohan might not be the most artistic film you can see this summer (for that I would recommend Young @ Heart or American Teen) but I do believe it’s got the laughs.

Zohan is an Israeli hero.  He’s able to cook a fish naked, and kill as many terrorists you can throw at him.  He also wears a codpiece.  For those of you who didn’t take costuming class, that’s that large bulge inside of his speedo.  It was originally warn by kings and princes to intimidate/enhance their appearence.  Check out Henry the VIII’s suit of armor if you don’t believe me.  Zohan abandons his anti-terrorist life for sex with elder women and hair.  Leave it to the minds of Judd Apatow, Adam Sandler, and Robert Smigel to cook up such a strange concoction of silliness.

I loved “the Zohan” because it didn’t try to be anything other than a silly movie.  We’ve just encountered a serious slump from Adam Sandler (Mr. Deeds, Reign Over Me, Click, and I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry) but this is much closer to the glory days of HappyMadison Productions.  Rotten Tomatoes, and my friends have mixed opinions about “The Zohan” and I offer them this:  What did you expect?

There are many cameos, and they are all rewarding in their own way. Emannuelle Chriqui (Sloan from Entourage) provides the eye candy, Sandler provides the laughs, let’s face it we’re not looking for an award winning performance, but if he makes me chuckle while punting a kitty, I’m pretty happy.  Dave Matthews also lightens up the mood with a terrific redneck interested in killing puppies.  I can tell Apatow wrote that part.

Perhaps the reason most are upset is with Sandler’s attempt to make a bridge between Palestinians and Jews alike.  Well…is that so bad?  Couldn’t we use a little more laughter and try to talk to each other?  It’s a great point, and Sandler even takes a dig at McCain’s wife (she’s got a great ass, and you know she isn’t getting any LOL).  Overall, I’m down with Zohan and his “silky smooth” antics, it’s lighthearted fun.

P.S. Bring extra pita, you’ll need it

A few months ago I recieved an email offering me tickets to see Revolver at my favorite movie theater. Unfortunately I had to work that night so I passed, a good thing apparently. Today as I unpack my stuff from DC I’m posting (yet another) review from my friends. I’d also like to thank all of the viewers today. Over 100 views! We haven’t done that for a while so I’ll let the reviews speak since that’s what you probably came here for.

Guy Ritchie’s latest crime thriller, Revolver, is finally out on DVD and needless to say I was excited to finally get a chance to see what the writer/director of Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch could throw at me. Despite being dogged by poor reviews on both sides of the Atlantic, I had faith in Ritchie’s incredible ability to give the audience a multi-faceted story. Starring Ritchie’s own diamond in the rough discovery Jason Statham, as ex-con Mr. Green bent on revenge after being imprisoned seven years, and Ray Liotta, as the powerful target of this revenge, the premise sounded entirely promising. Yet all the promise in the world couldn’t save this movie, nothing could.

Ritchie’s stylistic, complex, yet entertaining tales that became his calling card in Lock, Stock are gone and replaced with what can only be described as an air of pretentious arrogance. Statham not only acts, but also provides his inner narrative, the personification of his ego, in almost every scene. What used to be expressed through subtleties in the actor’s expressions, Ritchie has replaced with endless amounts of lazy voiceover. Honestly Statham deserves two paychecks for this movie, one for him and one for his inner narrative. No matter what Mr. Green does, we have to know every single thought that passes through his head. It’s really quite annoying after the first five minutes. Ritchie couldn’t really think the audience needs everything explained to us, could he? Yup, and he talks down to the audience the entire time.

Filling the rest of this movie are metaphors of cons, and chess, and of life. Honestly, its just such a grab bag that the movie loses any sort of coherence. Any time Ritchie tries to flesh out one metaphor, lets go with, ‘life is one big con’, he immediately follows it with three more. Honestly I couldn’t even keep track of all the different ideas that The process of making this movie most likely went something like this:

Guy Ritchie sat on his couch, smoking marijuana, and watched Donnie Darko 50 times, then watched Goodfellas 50 times. While rolling another joint he most likely thought to himself,
“Man, that Donnie Darko is such a deep movie, its like complex and made me think about the universe and Oreos! Goodfellas was great too, I love Ray Liotta, he is so cool! If only there was a way to combine Donnie Darko with Goodfellas! Wait a second…HAND ME THE OREO CAKESTERS AND A PEN! I’VE GOT A MOVIE TO WRITE! OH AND I THINK IT WOULD BE REALLY COOL IF I CUT TO A CARTOON, FOR NO APPARENT REASON, THAT WOULDN’T BE ANNOYING AT ALL! I, Guy Ritchie, am the man…now to write this and smoke more pot!”
Six months later, and millions of dollars of the production budget gone up in “smoke”, they realize they’re months behind schedule and shoot the entire movie in three hours. (Hey I had to account for the bonus features)

Please, if you’re not high and/or married to Madonna, don’t see this movie. It’s just not worth your time, that is unless you liked to be confused and talked down to for two hours. However, guessing from the whopping $85,000 in box office takings, you didn’t. Consider yourself lucky and save the rental for something worthwhile.
- Dave