Hitman – Fell asleep – F

The day after August Rush I was seeking redemption, so I went to see the only other movie I hadn’t seen at the theater. Xavier Gens directed me to sleep. This happens very very seldom especially as I can remember the last time I took a nap in the theater was The Grudge and I had had a few drinks.

Hitman is a great way not to spend your time. In Syd Fields’ How to Write a Screenplay he talks about the first 10-15 minutes of a film indicating to the audience whether it’s a good film or a bad one. Well I waited 10 minutes then took a nap. It starts with a flashback, Olyphant, sorry Agent 47, doesn’t kill anyone. That’s how it needs to start! We aren’t having a sit down interview with him and his victims, we want stealthy action sneaky movements that surprise us. Instead we are treated to a cliche, Agent 47 is waiting in a chair to speak to Mike Whittier (played by Dougray Scott) then we are magically whisked away to flashback land.

I slept until I heard a bunch of yelling, and woke up to see a standoff. Can someone explain to me why a Hitman is in a Mexican stand off? The funny part here folks, is that the 3 guys against agent 47, are also pointing guns at their own brethren! In any case it shouldn’t be happening! Hitmen don’t work that way, they don’t get in long drawn out shooting sequences! They snipe, sneak, and make killing a masterpiece. If we wanted The Matrix style shoot out, we’d see The Matrix!

I woke up just in time to also catch one of the most distracting women I’ve ever seen on film. Her name is Olga Kurylenko and she is sexy, stunning, and seductive. See below

Well she is just plain hot. She has this awesome panther tattoo on her face that at first I was against then warmed up to. She puts on quite a performance for a model but then again she could have played croquet and I would have been happy. The director thankfully was of the same opinion and lets us get some of our money’s worth in a few topless scenes. She also strolls onto the balcony in a see thru thong for those of you still reading…

Somehow someway Agent 47 doesn’t fall for her until the end. She throws herself at him and he judo chops her into sleep. Now Timmy Olyphant and I go way back. I remember watching him in The Girl Next Door and expecting big things. He was OK at best in Live Free or Die Hard (I’m feeling generous) but I had hopes for this one. Little did I know that Agent 47 doesn’t really show any sort of emotion in the video games (surprised?) so Olyphant actually acted pretty well. I just don’t know where this film went wrong…perhaps it was….

THE WRITING. My friend Ivan has actually played this game and explained to me that the organization that makes the agents is the real plot that the writers somehow missed. The Russian nonsense was just that, nonsense. My friend David who watched with me couldn’t make heads or tails with it so all in all I’m happy I slept.

Diagnosis:

Skip, forget, and never mention it to anyone