Southland Tales – WALKED OUT

One of the biggest insults you can pay a film is to walk out during it’s theatrical release when you’ve knowingly paid way too much money to see it. Thankfully I am lucky enough not to pay for a lot of my movies, but this was the worst viewing experience I have had in memory. I would say it’s the worst movie I’ve ever seen, but that would hardly be accurate, as I didn’t stay the reported (again I wouldn’t know how long it is) 2 hours and 24 minutes. My total viewing was just under an hour but I’ve been wounded, deeply.

The film starts with about a 7 minute backstory. It’s all a bunch of Conservative this, liberal that, crap that brings us to California, the deciding state in the election of 2008. The intro includes what looks like a video game interface showing us that in 2005 a nuclear bomb went off in Texas. The future (or present day for those paying attention) comes when we are introduced to Justin Timberlake (I’m not giving Richard Kelly the satisfaction of character names) sitting atop a Mexican restaurant on the California Coast in a gun turret. Behind him is a structure awfully similar to Halo’s halo. He reads the bible while rotating around on his turret.

Cut to Dwayne Johnson (The Rock) a high profile citizen, gone missing. Luckily for him his wife is the daughter of the presidential candidate from Texas (Catch that?). Did I mention he also has amnesia (though he remembers that he wrote a feature length film with his porn star wife Sarah Michele Gellar that predicts the downfall of man)? He twiddles his fingers much like Mr. Burns.  This comes to a head after he sees a murder set up by the liberal pot smoking feminists (go figure).  This is where I started zoning out. Absurd comments, non sequiturs, and disturbing images fill the screen with filth. I decided to leave after a hummer started humping another hummer in the exhaust pipe. (a penis and vagina were both made out of chrome :::shudder:::)

It appears that Kelly is trying to mock America. I can’t see why we need any more than Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert but I guess there is a lot to go around. If you are a Donnie Darko fan you’ll remember how well he did this subtly, making us feel sympathy when Donnie dies and becomes an anti-hero. The crazy idealism of Sparkle Motion I suppose is most evident in Gellar. She hosts a talk show on the beach with other Porn models entitled NOW (“Cause if you want to fuck me, you can do it NOW!” – direct quote of Gellar’s) Ironically she reminds me more of Patrick Swayze’s character as 1. she doesn’t act, she is herself and 2. is satirical like every other character in Southland.

What surprised me about the hour I saw was the cast that signed on. It feels as star studded as a Christopher Guest film, but they are hardly comparable. Clearly they thought they were in for a cult classic like Donnie. It has a voice over (worst voice I’ve heard since 300) is told in segments, and recycles some cast members. What I have to wonder is how many read the script (if there was one) before going through the shoot. Every line is a cliche, there is no deeper symbolism, I’m on a rant here but I feel that it deserves it. I can’t call this a film, it’s just a collection of moments recreated through technology.

For those of you thinking I am unfair, and that my man David Lynch often creates strange non sequitur films there is a difference. Lynch doesn’t make you wonder why you entered the movie theater, he makes you wonder why you entered his world. Why did I go into this journey? What did I gather? His narratives are all over the place, and extremely hard to figure out, but he captures the logic of dreams, not a bunch of clinches and obscenities.

I also wonder if Kelly has made this film just to spite David Lynch. The time line of this film would prove otherwise as it’s been in production since the stone age. It seems odd that they are both about Southern California (Lynch’s latest release is called Inland Empire, a long drawn out shitfest itself, though there are beautiful parts) He even goes so far as to have actress Rebekah Del Rio appear as her self, an honor she bestowed Lynch by singing “Llorando” in Mulholland Drive. The comparison is there, which is revealing to me. My favorite movie juxtaposed with the worst in my memory proves just how delicate film can be.

My prediction is simple, Richard Kelly will never write or direct a film with this kind of freedom in Hollywood again. This is the worst failure I’ve seen, and takes the title away from Pootie Tang, as the worst film viewing experience I’ve ever had.